Happy New Year my loves.
Some people talk about the dawn of a New Year as if it is going to fix something, as though the tide that is the New Year will wash over us and we’ll finally start swimming in the right direction, we’ll be cleansed, we’ll have a new start and more importantly, we’ll know what to do with it.
I don’t feel any of that. The New Year brings the reminder that I am catapulting towards death. I’m just trying to make sense of the construct of time, to get a grip on reality. Why does time go faster, the older you become?
New Year’s fills me with a small sense of panic (okay, most days fill me with panic) because it’s a reminder that time is running out, that life is fleeting, that we won’t be able to complete our goals if we don’t get a move on. I need to be glued to my laptop until my book is written, I need to make sure I am protecting my soul by practicing being a nicer human being every single day.
To accomplish a death without regret is a task that we have to constantly work on, and the timer won’t stop ticking.
In 2019, I want to try not to panic. I am putting simple requests into the ether. I hope to be kinder to myself, to devote more time to what is important to me, to cut down on tech use, to find some quiet in the mind, to put myself first. To remind myself that progress takes time and it isn’t linear, and I may be chasing after a feeling of completeness that doesn’t even exist. I just have to trust the journey and remind myself that I’m not as inadequate as I can feel, sometimes. Oh yeah and on that note, I may cut down my social media use too.
Tonight I’m spending my NYE indoors, enjoying the warmth of my friends and their cats. Living with Generalized Anxiety Disorder means always being exhausted – something I’ve felt guilty and lazy about for a long time. But tonight, I’m not going to push myself to stay awake to see midnight. And that’s okay. My reminder to myself now and throughout 2019 will be simple: I’m not so bad. I’m doing okay.
What are your goals? I’d love to hear them in the comments, if you’d be kind enough to share!