So – my girl Chaz and I have started a podcast called Spilling My Chai! There are so many incredible podcasts out there, and initially I was worried ours would get lost in the digital sea of online voices – but we decided to go for it anyway. Why, you ask? Because we really wanted to create a safe space where we could express brutal honesty without shame or fear.
South Asian women are often depicted as submissive, quiet, shy. Of course, things have changed, and continue to – you can be ambitious, independent, outspoken and – dare I say it – single in your 30s and not cause a stir.
That being said, I still don’t feel comfortable being brutally honest about so many things – to my friends, I talk bluntly about sex – how long it lasted, how it was, how it made me feel… I want to take the conversation out of my living room.
I also wanted a safe space to talk about the dizzying realities of life and death that I don’t think we as a society mull over enough, personally, to be honest. Isn’t it fucking mad that we are alive? Isn’t it fucking mad how hard life can be at times, but we just get on with it? Don’t get me wrong, life can be joyous often. But I also often think about how much easier it would just be to die now – I don’t really want to die now, but sometimes life feels like a hoover on full power – forever on, making a deafening noise, forever trying to suck me into the darkness and keep me spinning in the abyss until I can’t breathe anymore, and poof, I’m gone. It’s exhausting, keeping yourself alive – having to please others, working somewhere you may hate to feed yourself, cleaning the house just for it to get dirty again, repeating this on a loop until your physical cage deteriorates beyond function and gives out. I am going off subject. But given that life is suffering, I don’t know that we are honest enough with each other, or kind enough. Are we not all going through an existential crisis, forcing ourselves to continue onwards as we are forced – knowingly or not – to live a life prescribed by capitalism?
I may be truly alone in my thoughts and shit, if I am send me to a(nother) therapist asap. But point is, I wanted a platform to talk completely honestly about the feelings that arise when your mental health is poor. I wanted a platform to speak about societally unacceptable desires. I wanted to re-live humiliating stories from the past to help myself process them, to learn to laugh at myself and to connect with others, because we are not alone in our thoughts. We’re all interconnected, and so are our thoughts.
I have green frizzy hair that I can never be bothered to straighten, I live in tracksuits, I have a foul mouth, an anxiety disorder, an unhealthy habit of eating junk food until my stomach hurts and having sex to avoid emotions, I have an underlying rage problem. Perhaps I need to work on being more graceful, but actually, this is the truth of the matter and if it makes other people feel uncomfortable, they can look away. I’m working on improving myself – I’m not saying unhealthy habits or thoughts should be embraced – but I can’t pretend they don’t exist.
So, yeah – Spilling My Chai is a podcast my friend Chaz (my south Asian sister from another mister) and I started to speak bluntly about things – from being caught by our parents with a boy (that was a hilarious podcast tbh – it will come out on the night of Monday 21 Jan) to men being trash, to resenting family members for all the expectations they put on us, to battling our own mental processes, from inadequacies to finding joy.
I don’t think I have explained it very well, but hey – have a listen and tell me what you think, maybe. Please. We worked hard on it, so like, pls pls. Link to our first podcast is above – also follow us on all our socials etc here:
Shout me in the comments and let us know what we should be speaking on! Also, wanna get involved? Message me. We’re looking for guest hosts and all sorts.
Yours until I get sucked into the hoover,